What Are You, Some Kinda Weirdo?

Good. You've Come to the Right Place.

Greetings, dear Reader.

Are you, perhaps, someone who is preternaturally prone to mishap and mayhem?

An unwitting (or entirely witting) agent of chaos?

A son or daughter of magnificent misadventure? Are you routinely made aware that you’ve said things *out loud* that were only supposed to live quietly inside your head? Have you been banned, officially or unofficially, from polite society (bonus points if there’s a country club or corporate headquarters involved)?

Do your relatives discuss at length the myriad ways you might mortify them at family functions and dream up barbaric solutions to thwart your awesomeness efforts?

Are you plagued by dark dreams and twisted tendencies?

Do you imagine vanquishing your mortal enemies with nary a weapon but your rapier wit and rage-fueled eye-fire?

Do you shart on the semi-regular and gleefully rush to share the deets in the group chat?

Reader, do you keep yourself up all night—every night—obsessing over every single idiotic thing you did in middle school or re-living your most mortifying cock-ups until you’re convinced you should never be let outside again?

Are you given to imagining, in great detail, what your own obituary will say?

Do you often conjure imaginary headlines accompanying some spectacular catastrophe that, while obviously resulting in your untimely demise, would also secure your place in history as a motherfucking Darwin Awards-level LEGEND?

Do you unwind by watching revolting, slow-motion YouTube videos of exploding blackheads or maggots erupting out of festering wounds from perfectly spaced, cavernous flesh holes (oh, the exquisite symmetry!)?

Have you lit your very last fuck-to-give on righteous fire?

If you have answered yes to any of the above, then a) we are soulmates of the highest order and b) you are home now. Welcome. Don your adult onesie, cue up some grizzly true crime show that makes you feel pretty darn good about your life choices, and settle in. This is a place where you will be celebrated, adored, and lovingly encouraged to be your weirdest-ass self. You’re safe here.

Your weirdo wins will be reverently celebrated with all the love in our weirdo hearts and your failures will be ours to share and mourn en-masse. You will be fluffed (not like that, you perv). You will be fanfared. You will be feted.

And you will be fine. I’ll make fucking sure of that.

You’re mine now, Weirdo. Welcome.